I cannot remember how many times exactly, but there were at least a handful of moments in my life where I felt as if I couldn’t take another breath. My suffering had become so immense that even crying was no longer adequate to express the anguish I put myself in.
I say, ‘put myself in’ because looking back it is clear that the suffering was all my own creation. Yet, back then it seemed that my very world had come crashing down and left me with nothing. The heaviness on my chest and heart was so crushing that my mind flitted back and forth from one fearful thought to another.
I had exhausted all avenues of coping, distractions, justifications, lies, respite, and solace. There was nothing left to save me from myself and so, all that I was left with was, me.
I suffered because I believed my thoughts. I questioned, are they in fact real? What is “real?”
What happens when everything collapses? When the gig is up?
You may have come to this place yourself. When reality seems like it’s lost all sense of meaning. When we question even our own existence. When we continually ask ‘why’ until we are left with nothing.
This classic Dark Night of the Soul has been experienced by many. We all feel it; deep inside we already know the ultimate truth.
“Who am I?,” “What am I?,” “What is I?”
In this void we can shed all falsehoods until only one truth remains.
We are not the labels we give to ourselves: daughter, son, wife, husband, colleague, friend, mother, father or lover. We are not young, old, black, white, brown, male or female.
We are not even happy or sad.
These are all simply identifications we give ourselves to play with for awhile.
We are in fact no-thing.
“WEAR THE WORLD LIKE A LOOSE GARMENT.” – SAINT FRANCIS OF ASSISI
It is true, we are no-thing, but we are also everything. We are timeless, boundless, infinite Awareness. We are Consciousness. We are Life.
We are and always have been the Silent Witness; the Observer.
When you shed all falsehood and realize your truth, how can you continue believing in the small self that you once thought you were? How can you maintain the illusory self when you have now come face to face with the faceless?
I like the way Eckhart Tolle, describes the Dark Night of the Soul experience:
“…Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.
They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity.” from: https://www.eckharttolle.com/eckhart-on-the-dark-night-of-the-soul/
The great irony in life is that we need to continually lose ourselves to find ourselves. As we walk the path towards greater self-awareness we shed ourselves like layers of an onion. Continually peeling back falsehoods, lies, and ignorance.
“THE GREAT IRONY IN LIFE IS THAT WE NEED TO CONTINUALLY LOSE OURSELVES TO FIND OUR SELVES.”
I liken the awakening process to climbing a ladder. We climb our rung until we’ve learned our lessons and are ready to reach higher and pull ourselves up to reach a yet different vantage point.
We climb when we are ready to let go of the old. We change our perspectives and shift our awareness to a more inclusive state of consciousness. Previous contradictions of reality suddenly make sense because we have reached higher perception levels that can integrate reality with greater clarity.
Our previous self was blind but now things become obvious. We have grown.
“WHAT YOU SEEK IS SEEKING YOU.” – RUMI
And so the inner journey continues, climbing higher, reaching further; shedding what no longer serves us and becoming lighter and brighter.
To know that we are not our past, our beliefs, our thoughts, our worries, is such a profound lifting of an ancient burden. A heavy sigh of relief overcomes us as we relish the invitation of the void. In this space we come to truly know that we are no body, no one, no thing, no where, in no time.
And what next? Laughing at the play of consciousness, of life, of what we perceive as real. It can all finally be let go.
We are infinite conscious awareness with no form, no identity, no ultimate purpose. In this realization, we free ourselves and finally start to LIVE.
Life is miraculous, incredible, profound, giving, and compassionate. Letting the false self die over and over again is what the process of enlightenment is all about.
Step bravely into the void and embrace the darkness; for the truth shall set you free.
“ENLIGHTENMENT HAPPENS QUIETLY, LIKE THE BLOSSOMING OF A FLOWER.” – SADHGURU
Have you experienced a Dark Night of the Soul yet?
Keep climbin’.
